suffering.

i apologise if i have misused this word in the past, but please let me be clear, this is not suffering.

don't get me wrong, within these walls, within the context of training i have experienced the deepest and sharpest physical pains of my life. i have experienced emotional pain. self-hatred. anger. depression. defeat.

but that is not the same.

what i, what we feel, it is the bite of sandpaper.

the cut of a file.

the sharp gouge of a chisel.

it is empowerment. it is the creative process. it is the removal of that which we have deemed unnecessary. the shaping, the becoming. the self imposed change of what we have been given into what we will ourselves to become.

too many times i have been asked why. why i train so hard*, why i work so much, why i don't relax more, why i don't go out and "have fun"

simply: i wish to become more than i am.

not only wish, but will. but work.

i am willing to pay the price.

i am willing to use my emotions, all of my emotions, to propel me further, to come closer to that goal.

the gym is a beautiful thing. it is a place where - through will, attention, knowledge and hard work - we progress. the iron does not care who you know. it does not care what your plans are or how you fucking feel today. it does its job, and we do ours. it is a counterweight to our action. something to struggle against. it is a grindstone on which to sharpen our very selves.

i read somewhere that we can be no more or less than what we are.

i believe we can be no more then we chose to become.

what do you chose?

that choosing is what interests me most. that understanding that the battle is won or lost most often before the task has even begun.

this is not suffering.

this is empowerment.









*which in the grand scheme is not very hard at all.

self-actualization

There is pure terror in self-actualization. - dan harm (http://chasingafter2012.blogspot.com/)


amen.

wanting is not enough. wishing is not enough. praying is not enough.

doing. action. ability. this is what we need to deal with.

training is a constant reminder of small steps. of constant pressure. of slow trends and long term gains. training reminds us that what we want matters only as far as we act on it. that even the most perfect plan is utterly useless if left unexecuted.

the terror inherent in self actualization is that there is no one else to blame. time is finite, and fleeting. if you want to truly excel at something it is going to cost. we cut things out of our lives we deem unnecessary. we focus. we weigh and measure and calculate. true cost. worth. we spend our moments like a mizers pennies, knowing each is irreplaceable - but useless in the purse.

wishing things are different does not make them so. do work. and give things the attention they deserve.

it is simple. work hard. work smart. stand or fail on your own efforts. time spent wishing is time wasted.

wishes did not get you here.

pressure and time.

training is like geology. it is the study of pressure and time. and, like geology, it is about utility. it is about function.

many factors impact the athlete, the trainee. physical, psychological, emotional. stressors applied both internally and externally. theoretical models are only useful as a template. a starting point. that which we wish matters little, it matters only as a goal. we do work with the tools we have - for to die with a sword still sheathed is to do an injustice to yourself and those who rely on you. emotion is a tool. it is a conduit to moments and trends that happen too fast or too slow for our conscious mind to grasp. like all tools, it must be guided by a skilled hand. a skill that takes time and effort to master.

i was once told that anything worth doing is worth doing badly until you can do it well. to use a crutch when it was needed, and to hate every minute of it. to constantly want for more, but to use the tool that the moment calls for. threats, rewards, competition.... i would love to operate at my highest levels without those things, but i am not there yet. until that moment, i will orchestrate these things. i will test my self, arbitrarily at times. i will occasionally compete, even if its just against myself - with a goal, and a punishment for failure. to me, at this juncture, a test is the easiest way to create the intensity i desire. to impart the emotional content necessary for me to break out of bad habits, to stay on schedule, and to give every ounce.

this is a step. a station. a snapshot.

get inspired where you can.
get angry if you must.
but only as far as it helps you progress.

this is about function. it is about utility. this is about purpose.

use what you have. everything that you have. or else never know your true potential.

work is done. it costs. time, money, and discomfort. be it scars or art, it leaves its mark.

make it count.