the moment.

everyone has that moment.

the moment. that first time you truly over-reach. the sensation of slipping, of loss of control. when you can't breathe, which makes you panic, to focus on that fact, and make it worse. the negative feedback - the searing limbs that make you want to lie down and cry - the terrifying realization that that doesn't help either....

that moment is the beginning of something new, or at least it can be, if you are willing to learn from it...

to learn that your body was built for this. people have done this since the dawn of time. this sensation is nothing new. people all over the world are working harder than you. it is your mind that has atrophied. become as used to comfort as your legs used to be...

but they changed, didn't they? in shape and tone and response to pressure... your body has begun to crave that acidity, that stress and twitch and hum of power. your mind will change. will thrum. if you let it.

realize that panic is feeding your mental and emotional collapse - and fucking stop it.

realize that lying there having a tantrum is not helping you recover, not creating a space for your body and mind to process what is going on - and fucking stop it.

realize that you are actually in control. that this is the only thing you are in control of. and exercise that for a change.

breathe deep. get up. move around.

the work will never get easier - you will just get harder.

being comfortable is simply realizing how truly uncomfortable you can be and still survive.

confidence, like patience, is earned. one challenge at a time.

pain is about thresholds. about realizing that wall is only the horizon - and there is a whole world on the other side.

this is where the proverbial shit gets real. this is where real and meaningful change happens. this space, this moment is where you learn to do what is right and not what is easy. this is where you learn to push, to shout back at the voices of complacency and mediocrity. this is where you leave your mark. where you make something happen.

by force of will alone.

and to do it again tomorrow.

five minutes with a 44# kettlebell can teach you something about yourself.

the next five minutes with it will teach you more.

smile or bare your teeth. cope how you need to, take notes, and don't fucking quit.

in the end, the motivation can only come from within.

remember that quitting will not make the pain go away, the damage is done, so you might as well finish what you started.

work leaves its mark.

...

"we were born for battle against the tide of compromise."

the long answer.

physical fitness and behavior modification.

"so, what makes your gym different?"

its a common enough question, a question that always seems to have a slightly different answer, depending on who asks. but after a good friend asked this very question, and patiently waited the 4 hours it took me to answer to my satisfaction, i figure its about time to nail it down.



the first, simplest, and most overlooked difference is the fact that we define fitness as the ability to perform a task. this has some rather significant ramifications - we set goals. individual goals. personal goals. this means we must understand both where we are, and where we wish to go. the requirements of our desired task, and where we stand in relation to those.

its better to think of our gym as a process rather than a place.

it is important to understand that physical fitness is rarely the limiting factor. ones constitution. ones emotions. ones habits. ones technical proficiency.... these are all important, often more important than simple strength or endurance.

"why then, even bother with a gym?"

we use work, physical goals, to reprogram habits. we believe one can condition integrity. make a habit of doing everything right. make a habit of working hard. of learning how to force yourself to do something that will hurt, that will not be enjoyable, but will - eventually - make you better. we learn how to cope, how we, as individuals, cope. we learn how to push ourselves, how to exceed our self imposed limitations. we learn to be responsible, to own our successes and our failures. to keep what is useful and trim away what is not. we try to understand our conditioning, to take control of it, and to use it to our advantage.

this is done in a variety of ways. pressure. physical, emotional, social. we cultivate this pressure. we use it. we will match up individuals that bring the best out of each other. we will set up arbitrary tests, challenges, even internal competition if it helps. we court failure. we use it. learn from it. it is all information. we use the tools at our disposal to solve the problems we face. blame. bully. bribe. whatever it takes. when the goal is vital enough, we will do what is necessary to achieve it.

this leads us to study relationships. diet. sleep. stress. attention. we have finite time and energy, and everything costs something. in trying to achieve something at the edges of our ability we must accept the cost. we must realize all the little things in our lives that take more than they give, that are not worth their price. these things may still be undertaken, but no sympathy will be given if they sabotage your goals. you made your bed, now lie in it.

training is the artful application of stress to achieve a specific goal. all stress takes its toll, leaves its mark, and shapes us. high level functioning requires a refined tool, free of the imperfections caused by inattention and self sabotage. we do not demand perfection, only responsibility. own your decisions, pay your bill, and work hard. you will only be as good as you make yourself. others can help in the process, but we, ultimately, bear the responsibility for our own growth.

ultimately, we are different because we accept this premise. because we focus on this. because we will use every tool at our disposal to become better, to improve in a real and meaningful way. because we are focused on what is useful. above all else, on utility. if fitness is the ability to perform a task, then it is only right that a fitness program would be geared towards shaping every edge of the self to achieve that goal. to pursue it wholly, ferociously, and honestly.


to work.

-the station

reflection.

it has been 10 days since i returned from the GYM JONES level 3 seminar. i have been chewing on it. digesting information. evaluating. there were many, many, lessons.

the first lesson came early. during the warmup for the 1st workout, doing narrow grip overhead squats i pinched something in my shoulder. my forearm and hand went numb, and now it was time to work - OHS @ 95# and ring pushups. 30 - 20 - 10 needless to say, i did terrible.

it would be easy to blame my terrible time on a slight injury, but why did i end up pinching a nerve in my shoulder? well - i have been working on correcting a known shoulder imbalance for the last 6 months to a year, but apparently not hard enough. working at that gym, with that caliber of individuals, i pushed myself further than i do on my own. i have been doing narrow grip overhead squats, but not that narrow, not that deep....

confidence is like patience. it is not bestowed but earned - bit by bit, moment by moment, and conflict by conflict.

i did not have the confidence to hold back or did not put in the hours to solve the problem beforehand. either way, i am the only one to blame. this is not upsetting but empowering, because if it was my fuck up than it is in my power to correct. i am smarter now than i was then, i have more experience, and am aware of another of my pitfalls.

not all lessons exacted that kind of toll. we did the obligatory "minute all out" on the airdyne, and while i have spent some time in hard short intervals, the 20 calorie jump in my score since the level 2 seminar has its roots in more than simple fitness. there was a lot of hard work done, some hard information digested. some rough moments of self reflection, and a whole lot of ice.


we assign value in our lives. time is valuable because it is irreplaceable. i am crossfit certified. it took a weekend and $1000. i am ACE certified. it was a $200 test at a local driving school. these things were steps. they had the emotional content of getting my drivers license renewed. my time in SLC has weight. it takes time and thought and self examination. it is a hard look into a mirror and a willful choice to be one of the smallest fishes in a very deep pond. i am honored to have the chance to work with such people. there is a level of integrity, of commitment that is exceedingly rare in today's culture. in a world filled with weekend certifications and experts by mail, the focus and demands required by the individuals who make up GYM JONES truly set a new standard. or perhaps a simply re-instituting an old one.

"show up, ask questions, don't quit" - MFT

amen.

integrity. habit. doing the right thing, alone and unwatched. un-congratulated. over and over.

it can hurt, realizing you are not where you want to be. where you aught to be. but in accepting that fact a path begins to form. the way to achieve your goals. but you must first ask hard questions, and listen to the answers.

also, i must extend the deepest of thanks to Rob MacDonald, your care and dedication are truly exemplary. as well as the rest of the attendees, i could not ask to be associated with a better group of people.

1461

it was 4 years ago today. that morning i woke up in the back of my truck and headed over to a nondescript parking lot to wait. to wait for others, to wait to begin a seminar on how to train. to get some answers....

and answers i got. the good kind of answers. the ones that lead to more questions. some simple phrases i still need to repeat to myself, others proved to be the thread, that when tugged brought the whole picture into a different focus. as i sit today, waiting for a ride to take me back out there, its hard not to compare.

the warehouse is different now, a little bigger, a little more organized. i too am slightly heavier, and certainly more organized. in the last 4 years i have put 100 pounds on my deadlift, near that on my overhead squat, i have watched my capacity - my tolerance for work, increase while my body weight remained almost unchanged.

more than the physical changes, the last 4 years have taught me much about capacity and tolerance. about stretching and about focus. about true cost and what i am willing to pay.

the most interesting comparison, however, lies in motivation. in the uneasy feelings about testing and confronting the unknown. 4 years ago i was worried about the work. about how hard it would be, and what kind of people i would be dealing with. this time, it is not the work that makes me anxious, but the fear of letting people down.

for everyone who has helped me. who has motivated me. who put their faith in me. i sincerely thank you, and i hope i can prove to you your sacrifices were not made in vain.

"onward"

the airdyne is often a case study in coping mechanisms. it has been wonderful to watch mary work, grow and begin understand her abilities. she is running her first warrior dash today, a feat i could not witness because of my travel plans...

integrity. camaraderie. influence. there is power in a tribe. i am lucky to have friends like these.

the question is not how far. the question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?

"RX'ed"

in the last few years crossfit has popularized the idea of workouts as a prescription, even giving rise to the phrase "as rx'ed" and while the idea of workouts being akin to the corrective advice a doctor hands out is something i support, i feel that many use the term without understanding the implication...

please understand, this is not an "anti-crossfit" post, this is an "anti-bastardization of language" post.

i don't post many workouts on this page. that may change, but my reasoning is this: its not for you. not that i have any secrets, or that i don't want to share.... just that everyone i train is different. they have different goals, different abilities, different histories.... as a result, each workout is prescribed - for that individual, at that point of their growth. without knowing the histories of the players involved, seeing a workout can serve as an inspiration, perhaps even a jumping off point - but can only be useful in the general sense. many warmups are designed to help correct work related stresses, to fix imbalances. old injuries. movements chosen reflect a players skill level. or perhaps their goals. or perhaps lingering effects from a previous session. sometimes methods are chosen to elicit an emotional response, to intentionally make someone uncomfortable - or conversely, to blow off steam or otherwise manipulate a players emotional state to better suit the task at hand.

this brings up two important points. the first is that everything has its place. its difficult for many people to accept that what at one time, is forbidden - at some other date can be essential. we must match the tools to the task and the task to the goal. without dogma. i will even remain open to the idea that dumbbell curls may be the most appropriate exercise in some, strange circumstance. me liking or disliking a certain tool does not rob it of its usefulness unless i let my bias keep me from picking it up and learning how to use it. medicine does not have to taste good, it just has to work.

the second point is a little more esoteric. it is why i take my job so seriously. there is always a dark humor about the gym, about the times that training feels like an abusive relationship.... the fact that many times i intentionally push people into uncomfortable situations. try and orchestrate situations to bring them face to face with a shortcoming, with a part of themselves that i (or in better cases, we) have decided needs to change. training is taking advantage of the adaptive nature of humanity. training is sending the mind and the body a specific message to try and get a specific response. the more focused the trainee, the more vital the goal, the more specific the message. coaches are in the business of sending messages. often uncomfortable messages. occasionally manipulating the emotional state of another to get the desired effect. we push people into places they will not willingly go on their own. sometimes we need to keep them from slamming into a wall, other times we need to push them off a cliff.

this is what separates coaches and trainers. this is why coaches don't deal with many people. it costs a lot. to know what people need. to earn the trust of each individual. to carry that weight. to bear the responsibility.

that is one of the main reasons i continue to visit gym jones in SLC. it is the first place that i have seen that level of dedication to be the rule. the standard. that is, as a result, my standard. i work and i learn. i try and ask the right questions and understand. i try to seek the stress. the stimulus. to act appropriately to bring about the necessary change. to explore. to allow people to see me at my worst. to ask them to find my weaknesses.

realize that this is all information, and therefore useful.

the individual who beats you is teaching you how to win.

the coach who makes you cry, who pushes your emotional limits makes you tougher. makes you more resilient to bad news. to hard news. makes you understand yourself. your limits. helps you reassess and redefine things. to respect things for their utility. to understand cost. to understand how our approach influences our outcome. to not take things so personally. to own our failures as openly and honestly as our victories.

i am honored and humbled to have the chance to work with everyone involved with the gym jones project. it was nearly 3 (correction: 4) years ago that i first stepped into a small warehouse space in SLC, and i never expected how far it would take me...

thank you to all who have helped, i can never repay your kindness, my only hope is to conduct myself in a manner deserving of your faith.

45" box jump. emotional content.

make a mark.

each action makes a mark.
changes things.
makes a difference.
enough marks, and a picture begins to form.
as our actions become more deliberate, more consistent, we refine this image.
our image.
i aim to leave a mark.
my mark.
to change things.
to create, to embody this image fully.
consciously.
deliberately.
to become exactly the person i wish to be.
and to do so, unapologetically.


much work has been done lately. restructuring, refining, re-learning. corrective efforts and questions. there are changes ahead...

hard rows on hot days. these marks bleed through.